At 14 weeks, I’m rolling out of my first trimester and into my second. I read a lot of pregnancy blogs and have a lot of friends who are pregnant and/or have kids. Heck, my younger sister has TWO! The point is that, between the all the internet reading and all the “OMG! You are kidding me” discussions I’ve had, I thought I was pretty prepared for all that the gory details and embarrassing moments that pregnancy had in store for me. Not so. I present to you, the top 5 things I didn’t know to expect when I’m expecting (ha!). Warning, if you are a man or are women uncomfortable with reading about human bodies, you should probably stop now.
(No picture provided and do not google image search for item 1)
1. Jason came with me to our first ultrasound. It was AWESOME to see the baby together and to hear its heartbeat for the first time at the same time. I am so glad he was there and wouldn’t have changed that for the world. What wasn’t so awesome is the right before the ultrasound they were completing my prenatal profile, part of which includes a pap smear, and lo and behold they did it with the doctor, the nurse, and my HUSBAND right in the room. I could have died right there. I told Jason to stay away from the business end of things and to not even look at me at all during it. Avert your eyes and stare at the floor! OR ELSE! (<—my exact words.) Some people say you’re comfortable with the other person when you can leave the bathroom door open. I disagree. Get a pap smear with them first and then call me.
(poor Jessica, she’s so misunderstood)
2. You don’t look pregnant for a while, you just look fat. Admittedly, I had heard this from other women, but like most things, I figured the rules just didn’t apply to me. Whether you’re prepared to look fat due to no fault of your own (well, I guess technically you’re partly at fault), it still makes for an awkward conversation at work:
Me: Guess what, I’m pregnant!
Coworker: That’s awesome. I thought you were going to tell me that.
Me: Oh really?!? How did you know.
Coworker: Oh well, you know… I just had a… um… feeling.
3. So for the first time in my life, my stomach sticks out more than it ever has, but get this, at my last doctor’s appointment, I had lost two pounds. If someone had told me you can eat anything and not exercise and trade two glasses of wine for three desserts, I would have gotten knocked up a long time ago. I was so tired during the first trimester that all I did was sleep, eat carbs, eat candy, sleep, sleep, sleep. And poof! Two pounds gone. I know that will probably change sooner rather than later, but for now I’ll take it.
(No image provided. Also, do not google image search “pregnant and itchy”)
4. My lady parts were itchy. This is probably the grossest thing on the list, but I thought for sure I had contracted some infection that only pregnant women get. So, I turned to the Google and lo and behold, when a person is growing inside of you the pH of your whole body changes and it can cause itching and there is nothing you can really do about it except writhe in discomfort during meetings at work. Dudes were smart to develop a whole cultural norm where no one judges them for public scratching.
5. You get constipated like woah. I had heard of painful constipation before as something that existed in the realm of planet earth, but had never experienced it. I will never again judge a Metamucil commercial.
There is a lot more that a preg goes through during the first trimester, but I was pretty prepared for the rest of it. Now that I’m headed into trimester dos, tell me past pregs, what do I need to expect when I’m expecting that no one ever told you. Please don’t make me read a book. I’m counting on you!